From My Diary – III

Date :- 6 February , 2021 ; Time :- 16:45 PM

On some days I doubt my strength. Feel like I’m hitting a dead end. But is that true? Is it possible to run out of strength , like it’s some kind of well we draw from daily? I don’t think so. I suppose , it’s more of a mental place. A state of mind. Of choosing to look beyond our fears. Because every time we do so , we don’t draw , we create. Every time I decide to not back down from my circumstances , I’m forcing myself to go deeper , look deeper, feel deeper and still come up with something even if there wasn’t any in the first place to begin with. Astonishing , no? We discover strength while creating strength! For that , just keep on believing and creating.

Time :- 23:56 PM

Some things I learnt today that I always want to be reminded of :-

  • I am good the way I am. My ways may not be conventional , but they’re mine.
  • Goodness is the only way to lead. Always try your best to never hurt someone intentionally.
  • Awareness of the self is very important. You can always find guidance if you learn to listen to the truthful and the conscious voice of your being.

From My Diary – II

Entry :- 29 January , 2021 ( 10:47 PM)

I feel light. I feel powerful. I feel confident in my own skin , my beliefs , my ideas and everything that’s truly me beneath all the layers that I build up every day.

This confidence , I want this to last forever. I want to walk out in the sun with my head held high in all kinds of circumstances , every day of my life. I feel like that would be so beautiful to experience. We live and go about our days with always a smidgen of doubt in our minds in one form or the other. Feeling like we’re not good enough ,not enough for somebody , not adequate in talent. You get the picture. Not a pretty one , I must say.

From today , let go. Take a deep breath and listen to your soul. That’s the way to live. Express your art (no matter how small you might think it is or in whatever form it may be) and let go of worry.

I can’t control how others flow. But I do have a control over how I flow. Losing my energy over the inevitable will never be the solution. Worry and heartache does no good. Healing and learning does.

We’re all going to flow and meet in the river one day. So I don’t need another stream to complete me. We’re all our own wave , our own flow and our own rhythm. We all decide our own paths. We select our own circumstances and our own difficulties. Suffice to say , we’re all just walking each other home. To our destination. Our river.

To anybody that wants to join my flow or abandon it , at the end of the day , I’m still going to thrive and build me up. So live your journey. I’ll cherish mine.

Voice your art , your opinions , live your dreams and most importantly , find the beauty in your soul and believe in it. With everything in you.

If the sun and the moon should ever doubt , they would immediately go out’


Phoenix Rising

If we sit down and think about all our problems and those of others , we might just about lose our minds. On so many occasions before I’ve talked about how all of us are fighting our own battles that nobody knows about. How it’s so important to count every little blessing that we have amidst all that. Because , as it is , even having food on their table is a dream for many.

So we all have our shortcomings in life. Then the question that I asked myself was – ‘If I go around the world , who will I find fighting the toughest fight’ ?

The answer I came up with? Perhaps the one who’s looking to defeat their own self.

I think it’s best to believe that all our answers lie within us. That , is something that’ll always give us the motivation to dive in further within ourselves and not rely on the materialistic world for answers regarding us. After all , who knows? Maybe the one we’re really looking to defeat and win against is our own doubt. Doubt about our situation. Whether we’re going to win or not. Doubt about our limits. If we can hold on for much longer or not. Doubt of being crushed under the weight of our demons and getting destroyed in the process.

The list could go on forever. We let our fears govern us. We hand the keys of our fate to our doubts. The other truth that accompanies this right behind is that it’s not easy to alter and cut out these toxic part of ourselves. Let’s simplify that a bit –

Imagine hacking off one of your own limbs. That about sums up the whole mental process. To differentiate between a weed and a flower is not easy. Your comforting excuses or your fearful admissions may exactly be what you need to get rid of. It’s not easy. Definitely for the brave at heart. But what I do know , is that , when you’ve got nothing to lose , you give out everything. Don’t fear the loss of anything. Fear the loss of your will.

My grandmother used to say – “Gold gets more refined when heated in fire”. Likewise , to accomplish anything , to break free of any obstacle , we have to turn ourselves inside out. Purge all our negativity. Burn in the soul-wrenching fire to turn our fears to dust and to rise from our ashes.

Any problem seems big only as long as we fear it , give it substantial value and think it’s something to back down from.

Is that how you really want to see yourself?

Stop blaming the world for its evil. It’s always going to be present here , in everyone’s life , to maintain the balance of good and bad. In one form or another , there’s no escaping it. Start focusing more on freeing yourself from you. This body is mortal. The soul is forever. What matters is that nobody can take that away from us. It’s above this plain. Make that your driving force. Make that what truly matters.

One of my all time favourites quote.

No matter how big this world claims to be , make nothing bigger in the face of your will. Only you can defeat yourself. Only you can make you win.

From My Diary – I

Entry :- 10 November , 2020 ( 7:45 Am)

The sun will always come out. Always break through the thick curtain of darkness , cold and despair. I’m writing this as I start my new day. Forever grateful for this new chance. The bright , peaceful sun is casting shadows of the window bars on this page. I’ll let it seep in for a moment. Absorb and drink in its light. The sides of my face now warming up , I think there never will be a more peaceful way to die , when it comes to that. In Mother’s lap , a gentle breeze rustling and the sun beating down on me. So bright , so warm , so hopeful , cleansing my soul out for forever. I think it’ll feel really good someday to lie out in the sun , in an open , endless field full of grass.

My heart will forever remember this moment. I’m ready for the day. Ready for everything. Just as long as I get to wake up to wonderful mornings like this.

I’m grateful for the sun. More than I ever thought I would be. Maybe that’s good.

I could spend forever by this window. Or better yet , outside. Just chasing butterflies out somewhere. How liberating and lively would that be?

But for now , this is enough. A quiet moment to myself.

Ps- this is an excerpt from my diary. I sometimes write down my feelings in it. Or anything else that’s on my mind for the day. I wrote this one today. Felt like sharing it. Go out and enjoy the sun!

Winners , Not Losers!

Whenever our past comes into the equation , we normally associate it with pain. Or perhaps some bad memory. It even brings nostalgia to some of us. This is not necessarily the case but seldom have I seen people smile down upon their past. Very rare are those cases , and even rarer our chances of meeting those people and comprehending the reason behind that certain positive mentality of theirs. Looks like all we have is ourselves. It’s up to us to figure our battles out.

I brought up this same topic with my friend the other day , curious about her opinion on why she thinks not all of us are truly free of our past. Why we have our demons and if there’s a solution to it. She told me she thought that it was maybe because not all of us go through the same life experiences. For some it’s easy , for some it’s not. I kept thinking about her statement a lot. It didn’t ring true to me. She was right that not all of us go through the same things , but that doesn’t mean some have it easy. Nobody does. In our own way , we go through life altering experiences and learn. Sometimes we fall too. What’s important to remember is that not all of us have the opportunity to express it. Comparing is not the solution.

Our biggest mistake is in the thought that happiness is guaranteed. That life should be easy. Truth is , in this difficult ride , we’re supposed to create and find our own happiness.

But is the process as easy as we preach? No. For some of us , life throws such big , jarring curveballs that nothing remains the same anymore. We find ourselves getting sucked deeper and deeper into the abyss. Even if everything seems perfect and you don’t physically spot any flaw in somebody , doesn’t mean that there are no scars. Some of them are hidden so deep within them that even they don’t realise it.

The only way out of our suffering and the only method to be truly free of our past is to be sympathetic. Both towards others and ourselves. No life was ever lived without a battle fought and no measure of strength ever came without the will to be strong. Every smile is a token of strength. Someone’s will to be happy despite the odds. Everyone’s fighting their own battle. Mental , emotional , physical or spiritual. Me , you and everybody else.

Don’t ever let the darkness consume you. Do not ever let it defeat you. For those who try to be an obstacle in your path , don’t mind them. Your goal is your destination , not your opponents. Keep pushing forward , so that one day you can look back , smile and admire your strength.

The only difference between strong and weak , is your will. Remember that. More than all this , there’s just this one more harsh fact . Whenever you feel lost , broken , damaged beyond repair or just feel like you’re in a situation you can’t escape from , never lose hope. Because you can’t lose. You cannot let the darkness win. What’s done is done. Now is the moment to get up and start fighting back .

As long as we have even an ounce of breath left in us , we have an opportunity to be the winner of our fate. As they say :-

The past can hurt. But you can either run from it , or learn from it”.

One more quote that really resonates with me regarding the same is :-

I don’t ever want to run away from my problems. I want to run towards them “.

Giving up and letting your existence fade is never the solution. You matter , hence you are. Not all of us are lucky enough to always have a guiding hand , but whenever light presents itself , learn to accept it.

Make your vibe and energy such that no-one can mess with it. On this day , let us be fierce and strong. The only way we can free ourselves , is when we want to.

A Thought

I’m sitting by the window as I’m writing this. It’s evening now and the weather is also quite pleasant. I am also enjoying the quiet and gentle breeze that makes an appearance every now and then. Why I am writing this , I have no idea. But I feel really peaceful right now. The fact that I get to watch the now slowly-turning -orange sky is just an added bonus. I haven’t seen the sun in almost a month now. I had been so busy studying for my medical entrance exam that I don’t even think I slept a wink during those days. Going outside then , was totally out of question. Thinking back , that was perhaps not quite a wise thing to do. All work and no play , could’ve made me a dull girl. But it’s over now and I can finally breathe a sigh of relief (I hate how exams make us so dramatic). Sometimes , I think we push ourselves too hard. It’s equally important to take a break and treat ourselves.

Mainly , I feel happy today. Feel happy right now. In fact , I think this moment is what matters the most to me. I feel the kind of happy that doesn’t have a reason. For the first time in a very long time , I feel peacefully optimistic. Like I can go with the flow without having to worry about the destination. I feel hopeful for the future. Feel like everything will be alright in the end if I just don’t give up and hold on to my faith.

I don’t know what exactly gave rise to these feelings , but I am thoroughly enjoying this joyful little moment. I feel ready to embrace new opportunities , face and conquer new obstacles , meet new people , fall , learn and grow and enrich my life with all kinds of experiences. Life is a great teacher and I want to embrace all its fruits , so that someday , when the end destination of my journey is near , I have a variety of memories. Some good , some bad , but all in all , eventful.

This is all I want to say. I hope you have an optimism-filled day too , besides anything else. By the way, I also feel like dancing , so I’m probably going to get in some dance cardio after this. A nice 30 minute session. Nothing like dancing to top off this perfect evening with! Don’t let this period slow you down. Go and have fun with your workout routines too. I feel like staying fit also contributes a great deal to a happy and balanced day.

Stay safe and happy 💙

The Good In You

Humans are social beings. Creatures of habit. Living in a society among other people is a necessity for us. Our daily lives , give or take , are based on a very huge and dynamic barter system. We exchange feelings , knowledge and diversity with everyone. Love in exchange for love. Care in exchange for affection. Knowledge in exchange for money and money in exchange for things. Our whole society runs on this principle.

Now with this seemingly simple equation with such great dynamics , there are sure to be several loose ends too. These loose ends are primarily responsible for the distress we face in our everyday lives. We’re inherently programmed to respond to stimuli. That may very well be the reason why every time our efforts and emotions go unnoticed or unreturned , we feel such a deep stab of pain.

Looking at the same thing objectively , we can see how easily we can barter happiness and forgiveness for ourselves.

We focus on the bad , that’s why we always feel its ugliness. If instead of that , we focus on all the good we can develop against that bad ,maybe , the bad wouldn’t be so bad anymore. If someone else is not seeing reason , or chooses to throw away something good or simply doesn’t realise the good I’m putting in for them , it’s not my job to wallow alongside with them in the bad they’re trapped in. This shouldn’t be mistaken for not putting in your efforts and trying to make someone see the light of the day. It simply means , if it gives rest to your eyes to always stay in the dark , doesn’t mean it should stop me from looking at the light too.

Independence of your thoughts in every situation is equally important as you , and I don’t just mean it in the traditional sense. When your thoughts and feelings are independent , you can be in the darkest of times , but still be able to discern the good from bad. Let your thoughts run independent of the situation you are in. Let your emotions follow suit. I can have all the evil in this world thrown at me , but the only thing that will matter the most is how much good I can bring in me to counter that .

For every action , bring an equal and opposite reaction. Not an equal and same reaction. Make your mind and heart independent. Set them loose to experience the highs of joy. Be the lotus that blooms in the mud. Don’t let anything cloud your judgement and your goodwill.

Gather all the bad you feel you experience , look inside and produce your good for it. Think how you can be the light for that action. What you can do to turn it into something positive for yourself. When your inner goodness is what you’re focused on , you will never feel bad for what somebody else is doing to you.

Let the universe speak to you on this day!

More Than Human

The history of human evolution has been studied for years. Today we have plenty of evidences and countless researches done in the field to give us a solid sketch of how the human race came to be.

Perhaps the first human colony only had survival on its mind. Or maybe , they dreamt of a bigger world. A magical one. Curiousity and motivation certainly took them places. But did they ever picture a world like the one we are in ? With objects that can fly and devices that can connect you to anyone and anything? Perhaps they did. They certainly made progress in the right direction. How do I know? Well , you are reading this on your mobile phone , no?

Their progress , our incentive. We got their push and ended up creating wonders that they might have dreamt of.

Looking at the whole thing objectively , they did their bit. But are we doing ours? It’s common knowledge that we share our ancestry with monkeys. If they evolved into humans , were humans supposed to evolve into something else as well?

We tend to treat our existence as the final stage of evolution and development. How do we know that? What makes us so sure? It shouldn’t be so.

While we take everything for granted , I think it’s very important to stop for once and think about the fragility of our existence.

As it is , we , the supposedly superior beings , are not even confident enough in our methods of surviving. How can we then be sure that even if done the right way , with the right practices , we couldn’t have been something more? The next hidden stage of our evolution?

Our unhealthy living practices have given rise to a number of life threatening ailments. The continuation of our species still has a big question mark to it. With the world in such a condition , would we ever find out if we could have been something more than what we are right now?

We were moving in the right direction , but lost track of our goal somewhere along the way.

Sometimes I wonder , when this world ends and again starts kindling to life thousands of years later , as the ice age theory suggests , will the human race come back ? Suppose they do , will they finally redeem themselves and do what we couldn’t? Will the homo sapiens finally shed their old skin to step into a new morphology? We’ll never know for sure.

Despite all that , the biggest worry for me is in wondering if this was our last chance. What if we never come back? Have we lost our only chance?

I would say , enjoy the time you have here. Tomorrow just may not be!

To my younger self

To my younger self ,

I’m still proud and happy of how much of a wonderful kid you were. From being abundantly happy with a carefree smile on your chubby ,mud streaked face , to living each and every moment to the fullest with your siblings , you made sure to collect a chest full of precious memories to last me my life. A big thank you for making those years the best part about my life.

Slowly as the years went by , you saw and experienced a lot. Perhaps more than your average child. But even back then , you found ways to be yourself despite everything. You never let go of who you were. And for that , you’ll always have a special place in my heart.

You made new friends. You let go of others. You learned to love people. But you also learned to love yourself first. There were still bumps in the ride. And school felt the longest ever. But let’s be honest here. School also gave you all the best lessons of your life. From your first crush to your puppy love. From that dance under the sky to making peace with your situations , you made sure you felt everything , and gave it your all.

I’m proud of your decisions. I love how you always learn from your mistakes. It’s a marvel , how much you’ve learnt so far. You’ve cried , you’ve lost. But there’s always a piece of you , that knows to always trust your heart.

I know you still feel him in your arms. The day you held your baby brother for the first time. The love you have him for him is remarkable. If you’re a great big sister , deep down I know , that his love for you , is bigger and better than any other gift in this world for you.

I’m so thankful that you respect your mother so much. You know how strong she is , and over the years , you’ve learned to follow her footsteps. I also know that you still miss your ‘nanapapa’ . I’m also proud of how much you try to be like him. Gentle. Calm. And more than anything else , with a big heart. I respect how you handled the pain of his loss and I love how you both had secretly promised to cross paths with each other again in some other time and place.

I’ve never been so grateful in my life before as I’m right now upon realising how much you’ve given me. You might think that life had been unfair to you , but deep down , I know you cherish all its gifts with a smile. Your zeal to live and ultimately someday find your fairytale makes me fall a little more in love with you everyday. And one day , when you finally close your eyes for the good , I know , you’ll be happy. You’ll be happier than ever. Because I feel it. And I know you’ve felt it too. Your life , no matter how crazy , is yours. With all its ups and downs. And all the laughter and tears.

Thank you for bringing me so far and making me love this journey so much. I’ll always owe it to you.

And most importantly , for me , you’ll always be enough.

With love ,

You💙

PS – go find your happy ending.

Simply ‘live’ly

Life has taught me a lot. And I’m sure each one of us extract something valuable from life at each stage and turn of our growth. I look up to a lot of people. There’s so much to learn from watching people around you. From the biggest inner strength , to the more finer art of being happy and contented , the world has a lot to offer if we just learn to look for it.

It amazes me sometimes at how good a teacher life is. How valuable and ever lasting its lessons are. I would also dare to say that though sometimes the way those lessons are taught are brutal , they’re also the best things to happen to us in the long run. In fact , as I’m writing this , even I’m feeling this more and more and finding the courage to move despite my odds.

I also wonder why some people give up , while some still continue to fight. I’ve seen people come out of the greatest adversities , albeit damaged , but their strength never waning. I wish everyone in the world finds the courage in them to fight their odds and encourage others to do the same.

With something as frisky as life , our only shot at being happy is holding on with all our might and fighting. Trying to figure it out is pointless. Life will let you live , but only on its own terms. This is not the place to assert your dominance. Always remember.

Regardless ,

Life is a myth.